Random Sunday Ramble

March 11, 2017

Sorry to ramble…

I had a lot of things I wanted to get done today, but daylight savings time has ruined my schedule.

How can thirteen-year-old boys be so good at remembering to liberally douse themselves in cheap cologne, yet they can’t remember to turn off lights or flush toilets?

Why does getting good experience at anything take so damn long?

No kid of mine will be operating a vehicle if they “can’t” operate the washer and dryer.

I recently read that the brain begins deteriorating at age 27. Or was it 37? Anyway, it seemed young.

If you believe God is omniscient and everything is predestined by him, what is the point of anything? I at least wouldn’t be getting up early for church.

Why is it that the competitive neighborhood dads all seem to end up mowing at the same time on Saturday mornings?

Did you know…the average American annually consumes as many calories as 32 Kenyans?

Tacos sound good.

I like soccer, but it seems to discriminate against people in wheelchairs, which is why I think basketball is a better overall sport.

Does anyone actually say “tomahto?” If so, they’re not doing themselves any favors.

Spring break is nice for kids, but for most parents it’s simply a week when we are forced to find a sitter.

We are all capable of doing great things, but most of us decide to take a nap.

One out of every three people in the world has no access to a toilet, yet the average new American house has three toilets before finishing the bathroom in the walkout basement.

I truly believe soda is worse for you than beer, I just don’t have the data to back it up.

Life is best experienced with your TV off.

While I don’t watch much TV, I become very concerned when I can’t find the remote.

Considering thousands of people are born each day, I’ve concluded that the possibility of reincarnation seems more realistic than going to heaven.

When we were younger my wife would complain that I didn’t listen to her. Now she just tells everyone I’m deaf.

25% of people in the world live with no electricity. This makes me feel slightly guilty about having a portable phone charger that looks like the poop emoji.

With so many aging baby boomers, I predict canes will start to be en vogue again.

I’d be lying if I said speaking French didn’t make me more handsome.

Did you know…805 million people in the world go hungry every single day. Meanwhile, I’m sitting in my warm car, polluting the air, as I complain about the long line in the drive-thru (tapping my steering wheel along with the radio, of course). Pathetic.

“As a matter of fact yes, (teenage) son, that gold chain does make you look like a douche.”

They say learning to play an instrument has many wonderful benefits for children, yet they never mention how much it sucks for the parents of these children learning to play instruments.

Did you know…it is legal for children to smoke cigarettes in the US? Doctors, however, discourage it.

If I knew then what I know now I know I would have at least known more then.

Call me stupid, but I feel inclined to believe in ideas backed by scientific evidence.

It’s scientifically proven that no man can look cool while drinking from a straw.

Twenty-somethings are into the whole “Netflix and chill” thing. My wife and I spend 45 minutes trying to find something to watch on Netflix, then just decide we are too tired for a movie or sex.

In a world where you can choose to be anything, many people seem to choose poorly.

My six-year-old daughter recently had some ideas about how I could comb my hair differently to look less bald. I thought this was kind of cute at first, but she followed that up by saying that I should consider wearing black because it’s slimming.

Did you know…farting helps reduce high blood pressure?

Dear Red-Blooded American Badass: Before you start cursing that guy because he’s in your country and isn’t speaking English, you might want to know that the good ol’ USA has no official language.

Do you suppose God plays tennis?

I think it’s good when people are politically correct, but I’d rather hang out with someone who is genuinely kind and also enjoys making fun of people. Including themself.

If I could do it all over again, I would be nicer.

Life is short. Let’s do some good.

  
September is one of my favorite months. It’s a time when a lot of good change is taking place, like the kids going back to school, cooler temperatures, leaves changing colors, and the start of football season. My wedding anniversary is in September. I can get away with wearing shorts and a sweatshirt in much of September. And, this year, the Kansas City Royals are poised to clinch a division pennant for the first time in 30 years…in September.

We also have a national holiday this month. Everyone is aware of Labor Day, you know, when we celebrate having jobs by taking a day off, but how many Americans are aware of the many “unofficial” national holidays that fall in September (or any month, for that matter)? Let’s take look at a few of the highlights:

September 2

National V-J Day — This of course means “Victory in Japan,” and celebrates the surrender of Japan in WWII. This is not to be confused with B-J Day, which in my house usually falls on my birthday. Sometimes. September 2 is also National Blueberry Popsicle Day…what a coincidence.

September 4

National Lazy Mom’s Day — No comment.

National Hug Your Boss Day — As a former “boss,” let me just say that I never (ever) wanted a hug. I didn’t want anyone coming in my office, let alone anyone providing a loving embrace to my torso. Not a good day.

September 8

National Pediatric Hematology Day — I know this is one day we never fail to celebrate in our house. So much fun!

September 10

National Swap Ideas Day and National TV Dinner Day — “Hey pal, I got an idea, you might wanna consider eating healthier.”

September 12

National Day of Encouragement — I like the idea behind this one, and feel like our nation has what it takes to make it happen. “C’mon, we got this.”

September 13

National Defy Superstition Day and National Fortune Cookie Day — “Hey Larry, that was some damn good Chinese food, huh? Don’t forget a fortune cookie. It’s bad luck not to eat them.”

“Forget about it, Bob. Today is National Defy Superstition Day, so I’m staying away from those!”

“Whoa hang on there, Larry. It’s seriously bad luck not to at least read your fortune, plus it’s National Fortune Cookie Day.”

“Oh crap, yeah okay, lemme have one.”

September 14

National Eat a Hoagie Day — Does anyone outside of Philadelphia actually use the term “hoagie” anymore? It just sounds creepy.

September 18

National Double Cheeseburger Day — Much better than hoagies.

September 19

National Big Whopper Liar Day — Say wha?

September 20

National Wife Appreciation Day — “Honey, I love you so much and am so sorry for lying to you yesterday.”

September 21

National Alzheimer’s Day — Sadly, this one is often forgotten.

September 23

National Bi-Sexuality Day — “Hey Larry, what are you doin’ this afternoon…”

September 25

National Math Story Telling Day — Because only the best stories include some mathematics.

September 26

National Pancake Day and National Family Fitness Day — Visit an IHOP and a park, and it’ll be pretty obvious what families are observing which days.

September 27

National Crush a Can Day — “Who else is a freakin’ bad-ass like me (crushes can)?”

September 29

National Attend Your Grandchild’s Birthday — “Um, today’s not my birthday, Grandma.”

“I know, Timmy, but I’m here and happy birthday anyway.”

Living in such a heavy world, it’s good to have a little fun. Have a great September, everyone.