Random Sunday Ramble

March 11, 2017

Sorry to ramble…

I had a lot of things I wanted to get done today, but daylight savings time has ruined my schedule.

How can thirteen-year-old boys be so good at remembering to liberally douse themselves in cheap cologne, yet they can’t remember to turn off lights or flush toilets?

Why does getting good experience at anything take so damn long?

No kid of mine will be operating a vehicle if they “can’t” operate the washer and dryer.

I recently read that the brain begins deteriorating at age 27. Or was it 37? Anyway, it seemed young.

If you believe God is omniscient and everything is predestined by him, what is the point of anything? I at least wouldn’t be getting up early for church.

Why is it that the competitive neighborhood dads all seem to end up mowing at the same time on Saturday mornings?

Did you know…the average American annually consumes as many calories as 32 Kenyans?

Tacos sound good.

I like soccer, but it seems to discriminate against people in wheelchairs, which is why I think basketball is a better overall sport.

Does anyone actually say “tomahto?” If so, they’re not doing themselves any favors.

Spring break is nice for kids, but for most parents it’s simply a week when we are forced to find a sitter.

We are all capable of doing great things, but most of us decide to take a nap.

One out of every three people in the world has no access to a toilet, yet the average new American house has three toilets before finishing the bathroom in the walkout basement.

I truly believe soda is worse for you than beer, I just don’t have the data to back it up.

Life is best experienced with your TV off.

While I don’t watch much TV, I become very concerned when I can’t find the remote.

Considering thousands of people are born each day, I’ve concluded that the possibility of reincarnation seems more realistic than going to heaven.

When we were younger my wife would complain that I didn’t listen to her. Now she just tells everyone I’m deaf.

25% of people in the world live with no electricity. This makes me feel slightly guilty about having a portable phone charger that looks like the poop emoji.

With so many aging baby boomers, I predict canes will start to be en vogue again.

I’d be lying if I said speaking French didn’t make me more handsome.

Did you know…805 million people in the world go hungry every single day. Meanwhile, I’m sitting in my warm car, polluting the air, as I complain about the long line in the drive-thru (tapping my steering wheel along with the radio, of course). Pathetic.

“As a matter of fact yes, (teenage) son, that gold chain does make you look like a douche.”

They say learning to play an instrument has many wonderful benefits for children, yet they never mention how much it sucks for the parents of these children learning to play instruments.

Did you know…it is legal for children to smoke cigarettes in the US? Doctors, however, discourage it.

If I knew then what I know now I know I would have at least known more then.

Call me stupid, but I feel inclined to believe in ideas backed by scientific evidence.

It’s scientifically proven that no man can look cool while drinking from a straw.

Twenty-somethings are into the whole “Netflix and chill” thing. My wife and I spend 45 minutes trying to find something to watch on Netflix, then just decide we are too tired for a movie or sex.

In a world where you can choose to be anything, many people seem to choose poorly.

My six-year-old daughter recently had some ideas about how I could comb my hair differently to look less bald. I thought this was kind of cute at first, but she followed that up by saying that I should consider wearing black because it’s slimming.

Did you know…farting helps reduce high blood pressure?

Dear Red-Blooded American Badass: Before you start cursing that guy because he’s in your country and isn’t speaking English, you might want to know that the good ol’ USA has no official language.

Do you suppose God plays tennis?

I think it’s good when people are politically correct, but I’d rather hang out with someone who is genuinely kind and also enjoys making fun of people. Including themself.

If I could do it all over again, I would be nicer.

Life is short. Let’s do some good.

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I don’t watch much television. I think most of it is complete rubbish, and I would typically rather be doing something that is more productive or creatively stimulating. I will admit, however, that I do enjoy a bit of telly before turning in for the night. For the past few months my wife and I have been almost exclusively watching British shows on Netflix, and I must say that I’m quite impressed by what is being produced across the pond — and I’m very keen to see more. Maybe we are just getting access to the best of the best here Stateside, and in reality the broadcasts over there are just as shoddy as here in the US. However, so far the programs I’ve seen have been the dog’s bollocks. My wife agrees.

I’m specifically talking about shows like Broadchurch, The Fall, River, The Office (yes, our version is a ripoff), Top of the Lake, Hinterland, and The Detectorists. Depending on the genre, these programs might seem too grisly or quirky (or both) for mainstream American viewing. For example, it isn’t likely that an entire season of a Yankee program would revolve around the murder of a young boy who ends up being killed by his best friend’s dad — who is also in love with him (bugger, sorry if I ruined the incredibly shocking surprise ending, mates). Similarly, I don’t think many Hollywood producers would jump at the chance to film a comedy based on the strange life of two blokes who faff about treasure hunting with metal detectors. Too bad, because we are missing out on some very odd, suspenseful, sad, harsh, and/or bloody hilarious content.

Not only are the plots great, but the characters are simply brilliant. Flawed in many ways, both physically and emotionally, they are very easy to relate to. The male actors are as likely to be short, bald and homely as tall, dark and handsome. Females are not gormless supermodels trying their best to utter their lines, but instead may be a bit pale and pudgy (yet many of them are still quite shaggable). Most characters have a complex depth that goes far beyond their surfaces. Their lives are far from tickety-boo, and many seem downright knackered and gutted. Everything may be balls-up, yet they trudge on anyway. You know, much like real life.

What’s really strange and amusing to me is that I now find myself thinking in British vernacular quite often. In fact, it is almost becoming second nature. I’m sure I drop plenty of clangers, but I feel like I’m becoming fairly ace, and it’s a brill way to entertain myself. Of course, I would never speak this way out loud, as I’m sure I would look like a complete tosser (I should probably inform readers that a “tosser” is the equivalent of a wanker or knob).

Anyway, I didn’t mean to get off topic. I’m sure there are plenty of British shows that are complete pants, but I’ve been right chuffed to bits with the programs I’ve seen so far. Give them a dekko and see what you think. You might have a bit of trouble with the accent at first, but it will soon be a doddle to understand. If these don’t end up being your cup of tea, perhaps they will be a great way to nod off. So, Bob’s your uncle. Cheers.